Concerning defiance

Barth once described joy as a "defiant 'Nevertheless!'" As a self professed contrary (as Berry might put it, a mad farmer) i find both of those words very appealing. Defiance is something i understand on a visceral level. And as i prone to find stubbornly find exceptions the second word does nicely as well. As Rich Mullins once sang, "I'd rather fight you for something I don't really want than take what you give that I need." Certainly not the easiest line to take through life, certainly not the most Christian, certainly in desperate need of some breaking.

And yet (see, here i go again), there is something immensely freeing in defiance. In open, clear, honest to God standing against the wind. As one of my theology professors at Wheaton once said, we all come out of the womb giving God the finger. In context i took this to mean we all start life rebellious to some degree. For some growing up in faith means gradually losing rebelliousness. Virtue and maturity are instilled and rebellion leaves with spiritual adolescence. For some of us the best we can hope for seems to be turning our rebellion to the right corners.

I am pretty sure i will die giving my finger to something. I hope i die giving it death, confident, as Donne was, that death is defeated and shall very shortly be done away with completely. Perhaps i will outgrow it, but it seems that life is very difficult for me when i do not have something to stand against. Or rather, let me say it is difficult for me to imagine living a life in this universe in such a way that i would not be painfully aware of something that i must stand against. Again, i confess i am a contrary.

What i have been toying with in these latter years is the idea that this standing against posture is perhaps useful to the Church. But then when i look at what the life of defiance as spiritual service looks like i find myself quite frightened and tempted towards social activism or farming or running away to a cabin in the Yukon where i would make things out of wood and trap for a living. What i mean to say is, i've been a bully of bullies since i first found out i could take a punch, you show me a bully and i am likely to pick a fight. This worked out fine in high school, i got in a few fist fights and scuffed up my knuckles a bit. But what happens when you enter the world of the church and politics.

These days it seems like everywhere i look i don't see anything but bullies. And at the end of the day i look in the mirror and realize the one bully i need to stand up against the most is staring back at me when i brush my teeth. I've never beat myself yet and not sure i know how. I am accustomed to taking care of things, especially in a fight, but what happens when i'm the one who needs to be taken care of? These days it seems like there isn't a greater enemy than me. Christ have mercy, defy and defeat me.

love,
luke